Who Am I? : The Journey To Finding Yourself

Swept up in the sea of people pleasing, trying to be liked, accepted and understood. I let my authentic self drown, but how do I find her and get her back to a place where she feels safe to flourish?

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My healing journey has been incredibly insightful. I have learned so much about my self. The good, and the safety behaviours and patterns that form into self-sabotage. What has become glaringly clear, is that I have no idea who I am. When people ask me about myself, I can give out a spill about being a therapist. But as passionate as I am about this, and although it does make up a large part of who I am, who am I beyond this. Who was I before I was a therapist?

I have spent the majority of my life moulding myself. To fit in, to be liked, to be heard. I have always, from a young age, felt like I did not fit in anywhere. That nobody gets me. I have always felt like the black sheep - everywhere. At home, at work, at school, at university. College was possibly the only time I felt this less. I was around people who really fitted with where I was at that time of my life and for the first time I felt like I had true friendships.

I learned very quickly how to code switch. The things I needed to say and do. The way I needed to act, the things I needed to like or be interested in. Just to feel "normal". This became a safety behaviour for me on a large scale. Doing things I would not necessarily feel comfortable with or fully enjoy, in order to not be different. Listening to music or artists that were not really to my taste just so that I could feel a sense of common ground with my peers. Doing things I thought would seek approval from my peers. Little did I know how detrimental this would be to myself.

So quick to put myself in uncomfortable situations to appease others. To a point where I had become so detached from my feelings, that feeling of discomfort was well hidden. I would sit and wonder and question myself on why I felt so anxious. Why do I not feel like I can talk around certain people, or in these situations. Why was there always lingering feelings of unease.

Because these people, these situations, these environments, did not align with who I am at the core. I was not aligning with who I am.

But who am I at the core. I am still figuring this out. Starting by understanding my values and personal principles. The things that shape me and my decision making. What makes me comfortable and what makes me uncomfortable. What do I like and what don't I like.

This was surprisingly really challenging to pin point. I had lost my self so much that I had to dig deep to pull out what my values and principles are. I had to break it down. Values being what is important to me, in life. What qualities I value in myself and others. And my principles identifying essentially what I feel is right and wrong. What do I believe in. I had to sit with it for days, to really articulate what I feel in my core.

This led me to look and reflect on so many aspects of my life. Who I spend my time with. The environments I spend my time in. How I spend my time. What it really highlighted is how many times I allow myself to be in situations that do not align with me. Or would be in conversations and not agree with, or feel comfortable with what is being said, and say nothing. It was eye-opening. But I was really conscious of not shaming myself for it. Instead seeing that this was a behaviour I had learned to protect myself from my fear of rejection, that no longer serves me.

It also suddenly dawned on me that how can I ever feel understood as person if don't even know who I am at the core? That constant feeling if not feeling heard, seen and understood was there because I wasn't listening to my own body or my own feelings. I was not showing up as myself, so of course I am going to feel like nobody gets me. I didn’t even understand or know myself!

So I consciously now take time to reflect on my feelings. How I feel after spending time with people. Do I feel refreshed? Do I feel happy? Do I feel drained? Do I feel anxious? I am starting to speak up more in situation where I feel uncomfortable. Having those difficult conversations means that I am being true to my authentic self and my feelings. And if I don't feel comfortable to speak up about it, taking the time to reflect and acknowledge those feelings, instead of suppressing them.

The next step is to now to focus on engaging in things that I truly authentically enjoy for myself. If I have people in my life that enjoy these same things then great, but if I don't, I am in a place of acceptance that I don't need anyone else to like it for me to engage in it. I can engage in the things I enjoy for myself, by myself. And it may even help me meet like-minded people as-well as strengthen my connection with myself.

This is just the beginning of my journey of finding myself. We change as humans all the time! Our beliefs, values, likes and dislikes change as we change and navigate through life. But I will now always recognise the importance of acknowledging how I truly feel, and doing what aligns with it.

It's been challenging. I have realised some friendships have run their course in the process. Felt extremely lost and lonely. Confused, and down. But I am at most, excited to see what getting back in touch with who I am authentically brings to my life.

Our emotions, feelings and reactions to these are complex. You do not have to agree with everything the people around you say or do, but you don't have to pretend to either. You don't have to be into all the same things. It's about being true to who you are even if others do not agree. Being comfortable enough within yourself to not water down who you are to fit in. It's about the people around you loving you for who you are and not putting you down for your uniqueness. You won't have to drastically change who you are to the point you don't recognise yourself anymore, for the right people. You can compromise within your boundaries, without losing who you are.

Tyra's Top Tips

• If you find you aren't connecting with people around you when you're being you true authentic self - they're simply not your people and that is OK. I find so much comfort in looking at it this way as oppose to the dreaded word of rejection!

• You probably don't like or gel with everyone you meet and come across, so not every is going to like or gel with you either! You're not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

• Trust that the right people will come along when you're being yourself even if this takes time - and these connections will be so much more valuable (quality over quantity!)

• Re-connect with yourself by outlining your principles and values. Your likes and dislikes. Go back to basics.

• Re-connect with your inner child to identify meaningful hobbies/areas of interest - what did you use to enjoy doing and what made you stop doing those things?

• Get comfortable with your own company. Spend time alone doing things that are just for you to enjoy and engage with. Even if it's only for 20 minutes. It can be something small that brings you pleasure and fulfillment.

• Trust that it is OK to let go of things that once served you, but have run their course. Be honest with yourself about your feelings.

• ^ The above can feel foreign, unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but take time to be patient with yourself and trust your feelings.

• Take time to reflect in a way that feels comfortable for you.

• Try to enjoy the process of getting to know yourself - no one is ever going to be able to fully know you, and understand you, unless you know yourself and show up as them

• Challenge those negative thought patterns in regard to what people will think of you showing up as your authentic self.

If you're going to invest in getting to know anyone, why would it not be yourself! Focus on you, and the rest will fall into place xo.