The Journey To Setting Boundaries and Breaking People-Pleasing habits.
- TalksWithTy
- May 2, 2023
- 5 min read
A topic I feel a lot of people can relate to, and something that is extremely challenging to move on from; people pleasing! We all do it, and it isn’t always necessarily a bad thing. But it can become mentally draining when it starts to over step personal boundaries and lead to lack of taking care of yourself.
What do we mean by people pleasing? It’s hard to define. There always going to be times where you feel like you need and want to impress others. But what I mean by people pleasing in the context of this post, is going above and beyond for other people in a way that has a negative impact on yourself. For example, agreeing to do go out somewhere you don’t want to go because you don’t want to upset the other person, but in doing this you end up feeling burnt-out and stressed. Or simply not wanting to disappoint others, so not saying no when you want to.
For me personally, up until the last 4 months or so, I never said no to anyone. And if I did it was not a direct no. It was what I call a “wishy-washy” no. It was a list of justifications or excuses, but not a direct no. Or I would agree and then become extremely overwhelmed and bail later. It took me a long time to realise the negative impacts this had on myself. I’ve wondered for many years why I had such a hard time trusting myself. Why I often felt so burnt out and drained so quickly. And it’s simply because I am constantly putting my needs on the back burner in order to not “burden” or “disappoint” other people. If I don’t stick to my own personal boundaries how can I expect other people too? If I don’t vocalise my boundaries to others, how are they going to know when they are stepping on them?
I have always feared inconveniencing others, more than inconveniencing myself. I guess an element of it is that I know that I will just get through it and carry on and be fine, but I don’t know how inconveniencing someone else may impact them. It’s nice to be nice and so considerate of other people, but why shouldn’t I have that grace for myself? I deserve to be respected and understood too. My needs and wants deserve to be met and heard too. I’m always so quick to compromise when others aren’t. I’m always trying to make things easier for everyone else at the expense of my own wellbeing. Too a degree, I don’t mind this and it is part of my personality. However, people do tend to take advantage of this at times. Being the token, laid back, nice girl comes with consequences and I really wish I could be more assertive and open with how I truly feel at times, but I am often too afraid of how it will be perceived or what people will think of me. I am chronically fearful of having a negative impact on others, but not fearful of the impact this has on myself.
Recently I have actively been trying to practice not agreeing to things I don’t want to do in my personal life. We have to start somewhere right! It was something as simple as not agreeing to go to an event I had been invited to, simply because I did not want to. There was no grand reasoning or excuse for why I didn’t want to go, I just didn’t want to. Usually in this case I would have just agreed because I wouldn’t have seen that me just not wanting to as a good enough reason to say no. But actually it is definitely a good enough reason!! I simply said to my friend “no not really feeling it sorry, maybe we can find something else to do”. And I am not going to lie, I felt awful afterwards! I felt full of guilt. But why? I stayed true to myself and my feelings, and even went the extra mile and offered a compromise. What I did also do, which I didn’t need to, was then offer a ton of excuses. “I’m already going to couple of similar events so don’t want to go to another”. This extra sentence, although provides further context, it isn’t actually necessary. “No, I’m not feeling it” is enough!
I am however, proud of the baby steps I took. Just even not agreeing to go was a big step for me, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Sometimes I have to get out of my head and realise my friend probably did not sit there and ponder on it and deep it like I felt like I did. She likely wasn’t sitting there thinking I was this awful person because I said no. She may have been a little disappointed yes, but that is ok!
Think about times when you have been told no. Or when someone has told you that they don’t want to do something that you have asked them. How did you feel? You may have initially felt disappointed, upset, taken aback. You might not have thought it was that deep at all. But ultimately you got over it right? You moved on. Probably got over it relatively quickly and carried on as normal. So why would it be any different if you did it to someone else? Food for thought!
The biggest thing with overcoming putting others feelings before your own, is acknowledging your own feelings. What are your boundaries? Are you clear on what your own boundaries are? How flexible are you willing to be with certain boundaries? How do you feel when boundaries are stepped on? If this is something you struggle with, my advice would be to write those questions down and write your answers down honestly. Think about the times you’ve let people step on your boundaries and faced the consequences of that on your own and not told the person.
You’re not a bad person, or a horrible person for setting boundaries, sticking to them and letting people know when they’ve stepped on them. People who value you, and respect you, will be receptive to your feelings and you explaining that they’ve overstepped a boundary. They will want to understand you better, and will want to learn from it and ultimately won’t want to do something that will cause you any negative emotions. And those that aren’t receptive to it, and those that take offence or turn it around on you, are not your people. Don’t let other people’s lack of accountability, lack of willingness to learn and respect make you feel guilty! It is definitely a hard habit to break, and there may be an extra element of fear if you have always been this way in regard to how it will be received, but it’s worth it, especially if it improves your own wellbeing and self-love! Those around you who truly care about you will be happy to see your personal growth!
Here’s some Tyra’s Top Tips:
· Acknowledge and/or set your boundaries, be clear on these for yourself and don’t feel bad about it!
· Set yourself small goals in regard to breaking people pleasing habits. Little changes turn into big changes
· Acknowledge and reflect on your feelings, both in situations where you feel boundaries have been crossed, and when you put yourself first. You have to feel and be aware of your feelings in order to grow and move forward
· There are many different ways to say no – if you struggle to say no, start by saying no followed by offering a solution or compromise to start off with as this can make it feel less harsh.
Change is hard, and growth is a journey. Take it little by little and you will soon look back and see how far you have come. Value yourself, and your feelings, it matters! You don’t have to be everything to everyone, and try and make everyone happy, at the expense of your own happiness.
Comments