Mother’s Day Heartache

Mother’s day is a day that’s supposed to be full of love, appreciation, and family. But it’s not such a beautiful day for everyone.

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For me Mother’s Day is the worst day of the year. Or should I say the hardest. This year marks the 13th Mother’s Day without my mum. They say things get easier as time goes on, but does it? Do we just learn to live with the pain? Or learn to shut it out?

Losing my mum at such a young age honestly makes this grief thing so much harder for me to understand. I was 10. At the age of 10, I understood that she was gone forever. But I definitely did not understand the full impact this would have on my life. As I’ve got older, grief has got harder. As I reach new milestones in life, I wish she was here more than ever. She didn’t get to see me finish school. She didn’t get to see me graduate. She isn’t going to be there to watch me get married or have kids. But sometimes it isn’t even those big life events that get to me. It’s the little things. I’d love to be able to have conversations with her now, adult to adult. I loved to be able to talk to her about relationships, things she went through at my age, get life advice and guidance from her. Even just be able to watch my favourite shows with her. I always wonder what our relationship would be like now. I imagine we would be very close, and it’s a pain I would never wish for anyone to go through, because I will never know what could have been. I was so young that now my memories of her are faded. And I grasp onto the memories of her I have left.

Mother’s Day is always a conflicting day. Do I sit with the pain, and spend the day reminiscing about what an incredible, strong woman she was. Or do I block out that it’s mother’s day all together, in order to not feel the pain. To be honest, I usually do the latter. And end up riddled with guilt. I feel awful for it. Deep down I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for this, but I sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing something grand to remember and celebrate her. No one talks about the feelings of alienation of not wanting to impose on others Mother's Day celebrations, but also wanting to be alone.

It’s somewhat quite nice seeing everyone’s mother’s day posts over social media. It warms my heart seeing everyone appreciating and showing love to their mums. But equally, it’s a painful reminder that my mum isn’t here. I wish that I was able to take my mum out for dinner, buy her flowers and show her how much she was loved and how much she is missed.

To anyone struggling with Mother’s Day, for whatever reason, not necessarily down to grief, for any reason at all, I am with you, and you are not alone. Mother’s day can be hard for those who lost any sort of mother figure in their life, lost a child or a longing to be mother’s and I think this is important to be recognised. Regardless of your situation, your feelings are valid. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Recognise how you are feeling and do what you need to, to get through the day. Spend time with family and friends, spend time alone doing what you enjoy. Cry. Ignore the day all together, and don’t feel guilty for it. Everyone has different ways of coping with these emotions. And sometimes it’s so hard to articulate to others how you feel. Grief is such a personal journey, and a personal emotion to contend with. It’s different for everybody and this can actually make it harder to speak to loved ones about it who are also grieving. Don’t feel underpressure to have to grieve or celebrate these holidays in a particular way. My only advice would be to ensure the way you cope with the day, and your emotions every day, is safe. If you’re struggling, reach out for support, there’s a lot out there. Sometimes it’s easier to reach out to someone you don’t personally know. Sometimes you might find mother’s day one year, easier than the next year. To be honest, this year I feel rubbish. But last year I was perfectly fine. That is normal, and that is okay. Grieving is not a linear process. Different life experiences and being at different stages of our lives will bring out different emotions around grief. You may not even be able to predict how you’re going to feel. Take each day at a time.

To everyone celebrating Mother’s Day. Have a beautiful day. Love and cherish these moments.

My messages are always open for anyone who wants to reach out for support or need someone to talk too. And here are some support links, don’t ever be afraid of seeking support! Sending big hugs ❤️

•  Samaritans. To talk about anything that is upsetting you, you can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone), or visit some branches in person.

• The Compassionate Friends

• At a Loss